ESPN is announcing a move which has stunned the baseball world. George Steinbrenner and Theo Epstein announced today a multi-layer trade involving players and staff.

The process apparently started when Joe Torre turned down Steinbrenner’s offer of a one-year contract. On the flight home, Torre called Epstein on a lark to tell him he was available.

While the call was initally met with a barrage of expletives, Epstein came to realize that this was perhaps the chance Red Sox fans have been waiting for.

“Every goddamn year the Yankees try to poach our best players,” said Epstein, “every damn year. Well now the cleat is on the other foot.”

After signing a deal for an undisclosed amount, Epstein informed Terry Francona that he would be made assitant coach to Torre. Players report that the announcement was made in the locker room shortly after last night’s win over the Indians.

What happened next was, in Epstein’s words, a display of uncontrolled rage and violence unlike anything he had seen.

Francona reportedly didn’t say a word, but went over to a row of lockers and punched a hole through the metal door of one of them. He then picked up a bat and beat Coco Crisp to death with it — something which, gruesomeness aside, many fans felt needed to be done anyway.

“He just ain’t done that much good lately,” said David Ortiz, who had previously tried to crush Crisp with a giant bear hug.

Francona stormed out of the lockerroom and called the Yankees front office and offered to coach for 5 years for $8.50 an hour.

“Please just let me get revenge on these bastards,” an unnamed source quoted Francona as saying.

Steinbrenner immediately accepted the offer.

When Yankees players heard of the deal, they immediately started calling their agents, trying to get traded to Boston.

“I’m bringing A-Rod, Jeter, and maybe a couple other guys,” Torre announced.

Ortiz, Veritek, Mike Lowell, and Daisuke Matsuzaka all followed Francona to New York, although speculation is that Daisuke Matsuzaka may have no idea what is going on but simply followed Veritek around asking what was happening. Unfortunately the only English Dice-K knows is “fastball, curve, slider, sinker, changeup” and what Veritek calls “Whatever the hell that other thing he throws is.” Veritek confirmed reports that the only Japanese he speaks is “Get your [expletive deleted] head in the [expletive deleted] game, we paid a [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] fortune to bring you here!”

Johnny Damon apparently expressed interest in going back to Boston. “Hey, I helped them win the World Series, remember?” he pleaded. Torre and Francona met over triple-Scotches to discuss the issue. In the end it was determined that Damon would stay in New York but would be required to re-grow his hair out.

“I’ve got 50 boxes of those damn ‘Damon is my homeboy’ shirts in my basement,” Francona said, “I took a [expletive deleted] bath on those [expletive deleted] things. Now it’s payday.”

Reached for comment late today, Manny Ramirez was quoted as saying “Huh? What?” and then mumbled something completely incoherent before tripping over his own feet and being knocked unconscious.

Most details of the deal appear to be settled. One of the few remaining is what to do about Jonathan Papelbon.

“Frankly, he scares the crap out of all of us,” Francona explained. “None of the guys want to end up facing him after the dust settles. We’ll probably let him do whatever he wants in exchange for a contract stipulation against physical violence. At least against management levels. He can do whatever he wants to the players” Torre was seen nodding in agreement.

Papelbon was seen snacking on the not-quite-cold corpse of Coco Crisp and looking damn scary.

Before closing the press conference, both coaches were asked if they had heard from Roger Clemens. Earlier reports indicated he had been speed dialing both teams hoping to ignite a bidding war.

“Who?” they replied together before standing up, exchanging uniforms, and leaving by opposite doors of the conference room.

“See you in hell,” Francona called to Torre.

“Turn left at the Bronx,” Torre said without looking back.